Exactly how much can you hold another responsible for your emotions? And exactly what percent must you hold yourself responsible? We decide what to do, which way to go, who to be after all…
I don’t know how honest I’ve been with myself in the past few months. The past couple of years actually. There are things I’ve wanted, yet convinced myself I did not. There are things I needed, but ignored. It’s a funny thing to want and need. Especially when the source of those emotions aren’t necessarily open for business. It’s like trying to embrace a brick wall.
I’m not too fond of hugging brick walls.
I’m left with scrapes and mending them is always a bitch.
In this moment though…I’m just attempting to dive into the parts of my brain I keep from myself. It’s like the key disappeared in order to protect me from making fucked up decisions. Who’s to say what’s fucked up anyhow?
You? Me? Them…
I still don’t know what I’m trying to say really. There was this song on…”There By Your Side,” by the Milk Carton Kids. And it was making me feel all sorts of vibrancies. Waves of hot and cold forced out of me by melodic therapy.
Why am I so afraid to ride these waves? What am I afraid of? Who?
I’ve fallen so much in the past two years, how could I possibly fear falling off balance once again?
Knowing that answer might be the very source of my fear alone.
No fuel to ignite her
Starts before midnight
On this ride
At the gun show
Soldiers march sideways
To repeating background noise
Toys for blight
Chores that might
Make the honor list
With knots in your stomach
At seams withholding
Of rotten fruits
It’s better this way
No scripts to read
Or hearts to bleed
Time flies when
You’re having fun
With nowhere to run.
I was in the middle of working when a text a friend of mine sent made me feel all sorts of inspired to blog.
What is with people and their NEED to be paired up. I’m not saying this is the case for all of you, even most of you…but the some that exist out there that need to be in a two-some, or pair to feel “ok” is who I am referring to. My friend was inquiring about a date, and when I used words like “lukewarm” and “so-so” she freaked out. Then she asked me if anything was wrong, as if me not running off to lesbian bliss with the first few single ladies that catch my eye is absurd. The fact is I’m really not looking.
I’m the opposite of looking. I’m like those ostriches you see in the cartoons…hiding my head in the ground, trying to get shit done without the distraction that is W O M E N. I spent 8 plus years of my young life couple up. I was focused more on who I was with another person so much I failed to see who I could be without someone. One relationship made me feel like a Bette & Tina variety show, trendy weho crash pad, designer wardrobe and resentment filled. Another relationship made Ike and Tina look kind to each other…and then my last “official” long-term relationship was so filled with storybook bliss and heartache I blew up like like a whale. Literally, I’m not kidding…that was a couple of years ago and I’ve had to work my ass off to get back in shape.
The moral of the story kiddos is during all the above what wavered more than my heart strings was my place in the world. I was focused on being a partner, and girlfriend, rather than my photography or art. I’m not saying it will always be as such…but until this isn’t the case (for me) I have got to steer clear of pretty faces like the plague. Not easy considering what I do for a living.
Either way, I’m done rambling. This really was a jumble of what was going on in my head at this exact moment…so enjoy the insight…or don’t. 😛
When people blow shit waaaayyyyy out of proportion then blame it on you….yeah.
I’m always such an easy scapegoat because I care too damn much. Well, fuck that. I’m not going to be to anyone’s doormat, especially not someone who is so stuck in their own way of doing things they’re too stubborn to admit they overreacted.
Pride will get you people. Take it from me, I’ve got a HUGE amount of pride so it’s easy for me to recognize when others are hiding behind it…pointing, little childish, fingers.
Life is too short.
So build something with the people in your life that appreciate you. Not the ones who are constantly tearing you down…using your shoulders to climb up to that pedestal they so desperately rely on to feel whole.
I remember what that was like…it skews your perspective.
And at the end of the day perspective is all we have on a situation. All facts can bend a little when looking at them from around a dark alley. In which case your mind makes up the parts you can’t make out with your sight.
And the mind…goes to places it knows. The stories it’s lived through. Only the wise, once corrected, adjust what they thought to what they come to know…as fact. When the foolish…too proud to admit the resolution they arrived upon was false…continue swimming in a pool of fake water.
I’m getting really annoyed about my sleeping habits.
Going to bed before 3am would be so AWESOME and welcomed….but..umm….no. If I get to sleep before 1:30am I’m so grateful the next morning. My entire body cries “thank you” for every extra 30 min I can sneak in.
It’s quite depressing.
So much to do…and only one of me. My mind just won’t stop even when my body has.
Like right now…my mind….
I’m a little peeved. Earlier today I got a bit off my rocker over something seemingly “simple” but the definition of simple is extremely broad and varies person to person. So simple becomes complex in the hands of…well…idk.
I think I’m more bothered at the fact that I can’t figure out how I feel. I keep wondering what the difference is between someone being oblivious and them just not giving a fuck is…? I mean, is it the same thing? Does, lack of, experience in life mean I should cut them some slack…even if it means dealing with little instances that are so blatantly inconsiderate.
Sometimes it’s so much easier to wipe your hands clean.
But…what’s life…without a little grit.
It’s what keeps things…oh who am I kidding. I just want to be surrounded by people who give a shit about the little things and think every blue moon about…dammit.
Ugh, ok….all of the above was written like 2 hrs ago. I don’t feel like continuing on with any of it…so…
This will do.
I was annoyed.
Now I’m sleepy(still annoyed).
End of story.
Forgive any grammar crapola…I’m too lazy to go over it all.
This came on my itunes earlier…felt slightly relevant…enjoy.
INCUBUS – Clean
“I need a map of your head
Translated into English
So I can learn not to make you frown”
But I’m awake. Surprise surprise. It’s more of the same over her at chateau Turnquist.
I’m half contemplating getting out of bed and pulling an all nighter…but what good would that do me when I’m the walking dead tomorrow. I’ve been getting these dark circles under my eyes lately. It’s not cute. Need to check my vampire habits at the door if I want to salvage my youth. Looking like an adolescent most days is cool…but an adolescent sleep deprived on drugs…yeah…not the way to go.
On that note…
Uggghhhhhh why can’t I sleep!?
I feel tired, it’s just nothing happens when I close my eyes…aside from my head…going and going.