Tag Archives: need

jonesing

…It was one of those nights.

Or it has been one of those nights, for me.

It’s around 3am…a little past, same difference. I’ve been working all day/night…most of it anyways. But I just couldn’t kick this “off” feeling I’ve had the past few days. The worst of which was surely today/tonight. And I’ve been stuffing it and stuffing it in, attempting to be steel, or some kind of robot without a heart…or soul. Tonight though, my emotions got the best of me…a combo of stress about work/career, life choices, home, feeling guilty for having a pretty good life and being unsettled about it when some people have it far worse, more stress about work, confusion, questioning, questioning, sadness, confusion, sadness…and then it all landed on a big whopping kaboom of missing my mom…and I was a mess.

I contemplated staying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor for a while, in my own little bubble, where no one could bear witness to this human side of me. But instead I wanted to…needed to hear your voice. I had no idea what I would say once I woke you from your insanely, should be illegal, it’s so comfy, tempur-pedic mattress, slumber. But after, about 2, maybe 3 calls…cuz you’re always so knocked out…but once you picked up I felt 100 times better even in tears. The comfort of being able to turn off my robot with you…

Priceless.

I don’t know how someone so young can teach me so many things about myself in such a short time.

But you have…

You do.

Everyday.

And I’m the one who’s thankful we came into each other’s lives.

You see….you made all those sad blogs happy ones now! ❤

Hopefully all of you readers find my happy heart writing as entertaining as my crappy sad heart whining. 😛

Goodnight. Well, not really…back to work for me. I was just thinking all this so I thought…why not share.

this place

It’s strange inside this place.

I want to get up out of my seat and walk around.

She keeps nudging my shoulder.
Touching my arm.

“It’s soft” she says, drifting and drowsy…unaware of her actions.

I want to get up and walk around.

But I look outside the window instead.
The massive sandstorm of lights makes the darkness approachable.

If I were a level up from the crazy I already encompassed…I might think of jumping into it.

Let the dark swallow me whole.

Make friends with the unknown.

I want to get up and walk around.

I can hear her breathing. Her eyes are closed…finally.

She’s asleep.

If I move swiftly she might never notice my departure.

Though my absence…

That will be hard to ignore.

She looks so peaceful sleeping.

Hard to imagine such a quiet moment within that which brings forth so much chaos…

inside me.

I could pretend she never closed her eyes.

Outside,

The sky is twinkling.

Inside,

My senses are slipping.

The whirlpool is twisting and I feel glued to my seat.

But how?

She’s not even awake.

Her eyelids flutter as if she can hear my thoughts.

Maybe she can…

Read my thoughts.

I lean over her sleeping body…staring as though she were looking back at me.

In almost a hush I tell her, “I’d like to get up and walk around. And see…what else is out…there. I want to try and…get up.”

She shudders, then is still again.

Her cheeks flushed and red. I want to touch her face but I’m stuck…

Here in this seat.

Beside her, but not next to her.

I touch the air around her. Inhaling it’s bitter coolness. I lean over again and softly say, “I will get up…but…if you want me to stay…just open your eyes…

And look at me.”