I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…
I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…
I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.
Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.
Just one more moment with her.
I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.
Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…
“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound
Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”
Posted in chew on this, sound and magic, Uncategorized, verbal mash potatoes, videos, words to live by...
Tagged abandonment, abandonment issues, charlotte, deadbeat dads, death, family, father, fear, girls, growth, hurt, life, lily, love, missing, mom, mother, only child, pain, parents, ric, stepdads, steve, words, writing
…It was one of those nights.
Or it has been one of those nights, for me.
It’s around 3am…a little past, same difference. I’ve been working all day/night…most of it anyways. But I just couldn’t kick this “off” feeling I’ve had the past few days. The worst of which was surely today/tonight. And I’ve been stuffing it and stuffing it in, attempting to be steel, or some kind of robot without a heart…or soul. Tonight though, my emotions got the best of me…a combo of stress about work/career, life choices, home, feeling guilty for having a pretty good life and being unsettled about it when some people have it far worse, more stress about work, confusion, questioning, questioning, sadness, confusion, sadness…and then it all landed on a big whopping kaboom of missing my mom…and I was a mess.
I contemplated staying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor for a while, in my own little bubble, where no one could bear witness to this human side of me. But instead I wanted to…needed to hear your voice. I had no idea what I would say once I woke you from your insanely, should be illegal, it’s so comfy, tempur-pedic mattress, slumber. But after, about 2, maybe 3 calls…cuz you’re always so knocked out…but once you picked up I felt 100 times better even in tears. The comfort of being able to turn off my robot with you…
I don’t know how someone so young can teach me so many things about myself in such a short time.
But you have…
And I’m the one who’s thankful we came into each other’s lives.
You see….you made all those sad blogs happy ones now! ❤
Hopefully all of you readers find my happy heart writing as entertaining as my crappy sad heart whining. 😛
Goodnight. Well, not really…back to work for me. I was just thinking all this so I thought…why not share.
I’m sitting here in the most mellow….odd…offbeat mood. I don’t know what to do with myself. I think I’m in one of those places where I don’t want to acknowledge the existence of the holiday that is upon me…or that is here.
I realized this morning the reason why…
Or lack there of I should say.
Christmas just isn’t what it should be without her. And Christmas eve…we’d always force each other to open one gift from the bazzilion of gifts under our “faux” tree. God forbid we cut down something living in the name of commercialism. Not in our house, no way!
So many years we shared just the two of us. I miss those days. I miss my mom. I wish I could lay in her lap and tell her all the drama that’s been on my mind. She’d rub my head, and say, “Baby, you’re just like me.” I’d tell her no way, and we’d laugh about it.
But it’s true. I am.
Just like her.
I’m sitting here, thinking about my mom…and other things…trying to forget it’s Christmas eve.
It’s really ironic my Cali/NY peeps are in Cali right now. My roommate just left to catch her flight to London. And I’m here…alone. Thank god my friend gets here tomorrow. I’d probably eat myself alive or something extreme if I had to deal with myself longer than 24hrs alone. It will be the second year in a row my friend and I are having our “anti-Christmas”. She arrives in NY early afternoon and I’m ecstatic. So I just have between now and then to sit here…like a sack potato and dwell in my own ReRe-ness.
I could edit more….but my eyes need a break. The TV is on. But staring at the wall seems more amusing. Why does it seem like I’ve seen everything on Netflix?
I just watched that movie, “houndog” with Dakota Fanning.
I need to put something on and get out of my head….this…attempt at writing isn’t even helping.
No…not in the mood.
TV fucking off.
I don’t care if my eyes hurt….Editing it is.