Tag Archives: life

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Life moves on
Even when you’re standing still
Hope dies
So lies develop in your mind
Kicking you forward towards doors
You’re not ready to walk through
Keeping you from staring at that picture on the wall of the two of you
Back when your face in her head
defined love too
She’s “happy you’re not together”
As are you
As are you?
More lies.
Or not.
The truth is buried beneath
Every little fragile part of me
Digging at the chance of getting hurt
So we’ll just leave the past
In the dirt
There’s another rabbit
Wearing your favorite top hat
I can’t compete with that
Smiles camouflage frowns
Fresh flesh helps in calming down
Newness keeps the doctor away
Things are better today
I’m totally…
Ok
More lies
It’s safer this way.

sound and magic ♥ isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me…

I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…

I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…

I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.

Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.

Just one more moment with her.

I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.

….

Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…

“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”

when you’re not strong

In life there are people that hold you up…and people that will pull you down. Sometimes there are those that pretend they can…and will hold you up but selfishly only stand still expecting you to pick up the pieces they left strewn about.

Anyhow…I am not inspired to write. But I loved this version of one of my favorite songs of all time.

Considering my current mood, it’s fitting.

sometimes…

People disappoint you.

This can’t happen if they’re not around.

There’s a lesson in here…if you want there to be.

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Photo By: Arvin Clay

what if…

My friend and I are partially tipsy…partially awake so we crawl into my barely warm (we’re totally bitching about the temperature…don’tcha just love my run on sentences) bed just now…

Or 5-10 min from now depending on when I finish writing this. A sensitive topic comes up then I’m thrown one of those, awful, world famous “what if” questions. It was so weird because both my answers/options ended with very less than satisfying results. Imaginary results mind you…but lack luster, non “fluffy,” nonetheless.

I guess the point of this…really…is why does the imaginary have to always lean towards “fantasy?” Fantasy in the damsel dragon sort of way.

Why can’t our imagination be filled with just as much of the cold…not so hard…truth? I’m ok with the truth.

Cuz I damn sure am over fantasies. Especially when reality is so fucking V A S T. I mean seriously…why even bother what iffing over anything when you can take a great big whiff of what, actually, is.

Open your eyes.

Fuck tomorrow.

I’m getting high off today.

escape from inside

What if the thing you loved most caused the most pain?

Do you rip it off like a band-aid

and hasten the race

to rid of the stains.

What if the thing you loved most had a twin?

Relaying sin upon the spin

of love and life from within

at the depth of your threshold…

where all good things come to an end.

out with the…

…In with the not so…

It’s 3:26 am and I can’t sleep. I’m in a rather strange state of mind…somewhere between confusion, and solace…bordering on anger. Whatever the mood that encompasses my body it has me here…again.

….

Funny, I randomly wake up in the middle of the night…can’t get back to sleep…and…I grab the computer?

Lame.

Why not a book?

Vulture of an online world, it’s debilitating to our 3-dimenional existence.

But…

Only if you let it.

Today I decided no matter the freedoms, superhuman, international platform of a mindfuck this pixelated world allows me to have…I would not abuse them.

For all good things can sting if we let them get close enough…

Hmmm…

Apparently my brain thinks it’s the net Socrates.

It’s working overtime on behalf of my other organs…

They suddenly hightailed it out of the office without any notice.

My heart man…it left me the strangest note…it said, “when people tell you they’re not very nice…listen.”

Ahhh well…see, somebody forgot to inform mr. heart, senior vp of taschka enterprises, know-it-all, wannabe yoda…to SPEAK LOUDER.

Oh well…I have no idea where he went…but good ol buddy ol pal, monsieur, brain and I…we got this.

monopoly

Life is short.

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s true. I spent a good portion of my young(er) life imagining how everything would be when I was older. Then as I actually got older I spent a few years running away from all I ever knew. Now… I just am. I still wonder, and worry constantly. I think about all the possibilities that could be. Only now I’m also content with what is. It’s just funny how, after all these years, the little things are finally making sense.

I’ve recently had numerous discussions about how and when one is capable of discerning right from wrong. At what point in life should we be held accountable for our actions? And in which cases are they excusable? Does lack of life experience alone grant one a “get out of jail free card?”

It seems a good number of people base experience on womb to present day age calculations. I personally think that’s bullshit. I told my my best guy friend that today actually. He tried to feed me some generalized ish about when one could or couldn’t be taken seriously. All based on numbers. Age alone! This is crap to me because I don’t only believe in “life” years or years our bodies have existed among others with skeletal systems.

Life is…

So much fucking bigger to me.

It’s hurts my heart actually. How big and broad everything is, and so many can’t even see it.

The scope of it’s beauty.

Because I feel…it is so so beautiful. Mind you, I’m not even a religious person. For me this is about living energy. The “essence” of an individual. I believe we are…before we have been. And we carry that spirit of all we’ve learned as other life-forms into this one.

Our souls never die in my opinion. I just feel some close their minds to what could dwell inside and enlighten them. So we end up in a world where you’re only expected to do and know so much…based on what people assume you’re capable of at a given time in your life. What we all are capable of…based on science, and studies and tests. Intricate numbers and patterns breaking down the human brain. Telling us all you can or can’t be based on these findings.

Well I can because I’m breathing. I can because I’m living. I always could. I just didn’t know it until I was feeling or doing it. Life…at least this one we’re currently living…is too short to ever not be…or feel, or do….whatever we can…while we can. Nobody will ever make me feel otherwise.

soap and water won’t do

Once upon a time I was in love with a sociopath.

Seriously.

And despite all the fucked up parts of her…I think it was the most exciting time of my life.

Wtf does that say about me?

That sounds…”off” and not psychologically sound. I will never know if her love was passionate intensity…as I like to remember it…or twisted premature need…as a friend often called it. Considering the age gap I get the relevance.

Whatever it was it rocked me. And solid. It was followed by the safest, most pure kind of love one can manifest. And that touched me just the same. But the rest…the lukewarm relationships that I now look at as part of my growth….

They’re a text book blur. Necessary but not page turners.

Idk. I’m getting worried about my outlook on things. Like a mortician who’s become immune to dead bodies.

Love feels like a lie.

It feels dead. And idk that I want to ever worry about reviving it.

For the first time in my life I’m beginning to think it’s done more harm than good.

Am I finally…after 3 decades of starry eyed wonder…seeing what the rest of the world sees?

Have I become jaded?

::sigh::

Love. An occupational hazard.

I just don’t get it anymore. The point. I get the feeling, the chemical imbalance. That knot in the pit of your stomach that only goes away when they’re within inches, not miles.

I get all of it. But at the end of the day they’re going to leave…whether on foot or in a body bag. So what is the point of falling in the first place?

I know, not my usual M.O. but I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. All my friends are so….we’re all so different then the kids we used to be. Funny, I feel 16 somedays…lately…emotionally. But I’m nothing like that girl. She was so tough, and strong…and yet…somehow still pure at heart.

Is this what comes with age?

Desensitivity.

I guess.

Apparently I’ve got this wall around me…a girl…ok, actually a few girls have told me recently. And I’ve said that to someone myself not too long ago. But it feels funny hearing it…rather then saying it.

It’s not intentional.

The wall.

Natural defense.

I’ve got trust issues.

Not to mention, the shit that goes down once you let them in. Once inside they can creep up all over you. Get into little nooks and crannies you forgot even existed.

And the other thing about letting people in…at some point they might want out.

This is my logical attempt at shutting the door on that part of myself.

Besides, I belong in a mental institution, not a relationship. I self medicate with Women.

My heart feels like the crime scene of a copycat killer. When I close my eyes I imagine being on my hands and knees…scrubbing with bleach…to rid myself of the bloodshed. But even worse, the culprit must be dealt with.

That is when I end up back at point A. Is “it” the enemy? Or I? A combination of the two? If I eliminate a huge part of what has made me who I am…will I survive?

Can I?

Must I deadbolt the doors to my walls again?

I’ve gotten this far before a hiccup.

Now, I wonder…how many bottles of bleach will it take?

don’t turn around

A question I got in my formspring got me thinking the other night. Like really truly thinking. Not that the wheels in my head aren’t constantly turning on the regular as is…it’s just this time I reflected a bit more than usual. And I suppose I found something I didn’t like.

Why even bother with stress? On all levels. If a situation is causing me discomfort, whether it be physical and/or emotional I alter it. I attempt if not usually succeed in completely changing that which is effecting me…in any manner other than positive.

Why don’t we apply that theory to our love lives? But, no…we tend to excuse some of the most obvious of obvious bad behavior from those we’re in love with. But I’m at the point in my life where the excuses are getting tired, and my expectations are higher. If we don’t demand respect from those closest to us then what…and from whom?

Well I’m over it, and one step ahead.

The tricky part though…will be not looking back.