Tag Archives: hurt

sound and magic ♥ isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me…

I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…

I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…

I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.

Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.

Just one more moment with her.

I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.

….

Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…

“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”

in a perfect world…

…which none of us live in.

But this song gives me hope for tomorrow.

in the wind

I can hear the air around us…

I’m searching for answers.

You’re searching for answers…

When the answer has been here all along.

Where there is an I, there is no you.

There has never been an us…except in our imagination.

For in our imagination nothing can touch us.

But it did…

And us disintegrated

into a thousand little pieces…

that are currently in the wind.

I can hear it.

It can hear me…listening.

But the wind never speaks back.

Like us…

It will remain forever and ever tangled in the complexity of

what ifs…

What if,

…we ached for it

…we cried out for it

…we stood up for it

What if,

…we fought for it

But instead we buried it.

And never looked back.

Funny thing about looking back…

Moving forward hurts just as much.

Especially

when you can hear the tears in the wind.

the walking dead

Sleeping too much is a sign of depression. I know this. What about not sleeping at all? Or alternating between the two extremes? Then what?

I don’t feel depressed.

But I can say I don’t feel like “myself” whatever that means.

I also feel like…in this moment…that I have been dishonest. Not that I’ve been lying or speaking falsehoods. But…I haven’t been facing my feelings. At least I realized this all today. I’ve been trying so hard to believe I made a mistake. Hoping I created emotions where they didn’t exist. Praying, even I, with my insight for bullshit, accidentally let this adolescent crush I had turn into infatuation…which I innocently mistook for love.

“You weren’t in love Taschka. There’s no way. You barely………………….”

What does it mean to “know” someone?

Being around someone a few times, versus years? There are family members who have known me my entire life…who barely know me. There are friends I’ve made and within 24hrs felt like kindred spirits. So I don’t really understand what defines “knowing.” I guess it’s for the individual to decide. But I will say this, the lack of knowing at times…is what can keep you from discovering the things that can shatter your ideals. And no one is or should be idealized as such. Even I know that. But sometimes you ignore certain signs and just trust your feelings. I trusted mine and they told me I was in love.

When I discovered for the first time in my life that what I wanted wasn’t what I could have…I reacted as any raging narcissist would. I freaked out emotionally. Then I put on armor and said fuck it. And since, I’ve pushed it to the back of my head and have not revisited it.

But today…

Someone extremely important to me said something along the lines of, “I don’t mind being second choice as long as I am one of your choices.”

When I asked them wtf they meant by that absurd remark they then told me, “Your feelings for her haven’t gone away. You’re just pretending they did.”

::sigh::

I had nothing to say about that. In fact I felt the most real I had in ages. Everyone has been so quick to denounce my emotions…by telling me I made them up, or that I was lying to myself. So I started to believe it. I started to doubt everything I felt for the past year…just because of a few technicalities and adult assumptions.

But isn’t being an adult also being able to acknowledge when you’re hurting? And being Woman enough to admit the truth? Despite facts, despite possibility, despite want…

Today I discovered I still “feel” and it’s ok. I’m not a weak person because of this. I’m also not crazy or weird, or whatever. People fall…it just happens. I’m tired of apologizing to myself for it. I’m tired of being afraid of judgement. I’m just tired of giving a shit…all because of four little letters that smacked me in the face.

So what. So the world can see this. Anyone can read this and know I too, along with the rest of you, am capable of being vulnerable. Only I’m laying it all out on the table. I don’t care anymore. It feels amazing to admit…to put a name to this numbness that’s been dwelling inside. It’s ok to hurt. At some point I’ll get passed it. I don’t know when, or how…but I will.