I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…
I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…
I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.
Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.
Just one more moment with her.
I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.
Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…
“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound
Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”
Posted in chew on this, sound and magic, Uncategorized, verbal mash potatoes, videos, words to live by...
Tagged abandonment, abandonment issues, charlotte, deadbeat dads, death, family, father, fear, girls, growth, hurt, life, lily, love, missing, mom, mother, only child, pain, parents, ric, stepdads, steve, words, writing
Life is short.
I know I’ve said this before, but it’s true. I spent a good portion of my young(er) life imagining how everything would be when I was older. Then as I actually got older I spent a few years running away from all I ever knew. Now… I just am. I still wonder, and worry constantly. I think about all the possibilities that could be. Only now I’m also content with what is. It’s just funny how, after all these years, the little things are finally making sense.
I’ve recently had numerous discussions about how and when one is capable of discerning right from wrong. At what point in life should we be held accountable for our actions? And in which cases are they excusable? Does lack of life experience alone grant one a “get out of jail free card?”
It seems a good number of people base experience on womb to present day age calculations. I personally think that’s bullshit. I told my my best guy friend that today actually. He tried to feed me some generalized ish about when one could or couldn’t be taken seriously. All based on numbers. Age alone! This is crap to me because I don’t only believe in “life” years or years our bodies have existed among others with skeletal systems.
So much fucking bigger to me.
It’s hurts my heart actually. How big and broad everything is, and so many can’t even see it.
The scope of it’s beauty.
Because I feel…it is so so beautiful. Mind you, I’m not even a religious person. For me this is about living energy. The “essence” of an individual. I believe we are…before we have been. And we carry that spirit of all we’ve learned as other life-forms into this one.
Our souls never die in my opinion. I just feel some close their minds to what could dwell inside and enlighten them. So we end up in a world where you’re only expected to do and know so much…based on what people assume you’re capable of at a given time in your life. What we all are capable of…based on science, and studies and tests. Intricate numbers and patterns breaking down the human brain. Telling us all you can or can’t be based on these findings.
Well I can because I’m breathing. I can because I’m living. I always could. I just didn’t know it until I was feeling or doing it. Life…at least this one we’re currently living…is too short to ever not be…or feel, or do….whatever we can…while we can. Nobody will ever make me feel otherwise.
There’s nothing a little ocean salt in the air and gourmet french fries can’t cure.
I’m not exactly in the mood to be writing/sharing. But I’m doing this more as a personal exercise rather than to expel any specific emotions. I’m in a rather neutral state so…dramatics are at a stand still. And my best writing comes from the drama…I think at least.
Recently…sadness has turned into anger…which…slightly dissipated. And now I’m left feeling pretty indifferent. I don’t really feel there is much room for other emotions. At the core, yes, I can still admit there’s some questioning…some yearning, even a tinge of jealousy…but… Idk. I’m pretty logical when it comes to facts. At least now that I’m older.
22 year old Taschka would have probably had a cow, flipped out and done some kind of a spell just to prove a point. But I’m not as ridiculous as I used to be. And all I can do is live in the current state of knowledge that now inhabits my brain. Prior to this information I was prancing around open fields of fluorescent hay…somewhere between fantasy and the black hole. And that was my home…that cotton candy field of the unknown.
They say ignorance is bliss, and that couldn’t be more true. But for me, the facts are all I can presently focus on. It’s all I have. And reality is that sometimes people hide behind facts. Because telling you the truth without concrete blockades can appear more cruel.
Keyword, being “appear.” and nobody likes to play the role of the bad guy. I have a lot of respect for bad guys…that just come right out and stake you in the chest…as opposed to dancing around the heart of things.
I wish I hadn’t gotten this emotionally invested into something that will never be. It’s going to be a lot of interior work to free myself of this. Not hard work…but abundant. It felt like it was going to be hard a week ago. But now it’s just necessary. And honestly…I’ve got too much self respect to continue pining over someone who I now know is into someone else. I just don’t function like that. I never have. So…that’s my logic for the night. I think I should get some sleep now.
Posted in chew on this, verbal mash potatoes, words to live by...
Tagged anger, emotions, feelings, growth, logic, love, ramble, random, women, writing