Tag Archives: emotions

let down

Some love pulls you up
Some love drags you down
Some love leaves you wondering…
Why?

If this….
Then why ever…
Was the experience enough to displace the emotional debris
Left over from the crash?

silent killer

The last few weeks have been some of the most fun, warm, enjoyable and eventful of my life…but why do I feel so sad…

I’m currently laying here on the floor staring at the ceiling while I tap these, “probably won’t get posted or will end up deleted like the last 3 blogs,” words into my wordpress app. I do most of my blogging, and emailing on my phone nowadays…

I’m scared of my computer.

It makes me feel inhuman.

Aside from edits and posting things with flash or high res, it’s currently off limits…indefinitely.

I think the same thing happened to my emotions…I can’t find them. A little while ago I put them in a box and hid the key. I feel them…surging through me…I just can’t define them much anymore.

A few minutes ago I said I was sad. I am…but only because I recognize that tight feeling in the center of my chest as anything but…good. Not to mention the overwhelming amount of unsettling dreams I’ve been having. Like my subconscious is screaming to be heard.

That…and I can’t be alone. I’m a loner at heart and enjoy days on end of me, myself and I on dungeon duty. But lately I’m surrounded by people and being alone brings on a strange form of anxiety.

Leaving me to wonder…am I afraid to feel?

Today is my first full day by myself in the last couple of weeks. I’m starting to want to search for that key.

To put a name to what’s going on inside me.

I guess there’s always the theory that if I leave myself in the dark long enough…they’ll dilute or transform by the time I finally do open that box again.

Grey…

Is a lot easier to tolerate than red…or yellow…or green. I hate green.

Grey suits me well.

For now…

noise

What I wouldn’t do to be in my own bed right now.

My head is killing me and taunting me all at once.  It’s like give me a break, take the night off till I at least can retire to my own pillow.

Yeah?

No…

No.

Guess not.

Looky look who’s writing again.  And it only took a few(hundred) rounds of tears to summon up ye ol inner cray cray.

Feels like déjà vu.

Same song…different…

Hmm.

I won’t even type that.  Feels weird.  

What else is weird is me…curled up in someone else’s bed blogging while over a dozen people are getting plastered just outside the door.

Typical Taschka.

I was trying to sleep off this headache.  But I think…

I think

I think

I think…

It’s less physical and more mental.

I just want out of my head.

I thought the alcohol would help…and the people… 

I thought being the opposite of me would help.

Turns out nothing really does.

It’s SO fucking loud…

… in my head.

I just want it to quiet down…

so sleep can kick in.

fluorescent hay

There’s nothing a little ocean salt in the air and gourmet french fries can’t cure.

I’m not exactly in the mood to be writing/sharing. But I’m doing this more as a personal exercise rather than to expel any specific emotions. I’m in a rather neutral state so…dramatics are at a stand still. And my best writing comes from the drama…I think at least.

Recently…sadness has turned into anger…which…slightly dissipated. And now I’m left feeling pretty indifferent. I don’t really feel there is much room for other emotions. At the core, yes, I can still admit there’s some questioning…some yearning, even a tinge of jealousy…but… Idk. I’m pretty logical when it comes to facts. At least now that I’m older.

22 year old Taschka would have probably had a cow, flipped out and done some kind of a spell just to prove a point. But I’m not as ridiculous as I used to be. And all I can do is live in the current state of knowledge that now inhabits my brain. Prior to this information I was prancing around open fields of fluorescent hay…somewhere between fantasy and the black hole. And that was my home…that cotton candy field of the unknown.

They say ignorance is bliss, and that couldn’t be more true. But for me, the facts are all I can presently focus on. It’s all I have. And reality is that sometimes people hide behind facts. Because telling you the truth without concrete blockades can appear more cruel.

Keyword, being “appear.” and nobody likes to play the role of the bad guy. I have a lot of respect for bad guys…that just come right out and stake you in the chest…as opposed to dancing around the heart of things.

I wish I hadn’t gotten this emotionally invested into something that will never be. It’s going to be a lot of interior work to free myself of this. Not hard work…but abundant. It felt like it was going to be hard a week ago. But now it’s just necessary. And honestly…I’ve got too much self respect to continue pining over someone who I now know is into someone else. I just don’t function like that. I never have. So…that’s my logic for the night. I think I should get some sleep now.

Night world.