Category Archives: words to live by…

all of me

Exactly how much can you hold another responsible for your emotions?  And exactly what percent must you hold yourself responsible?  We decide what to do, which way to go, who to be after all…

I don’t know how honest I’ve been with myself in the past few months.  The past couple of years actually.  There are things I’ve wanted, yet convinced myself I did not.  There are things I needed, but ignored.  It’s a funny thing to want and need.  Especially when the source of those emotions aren’t necessarily open for business.  It’s like trying to embrace a brick wall.

I’m not too fond of hugging brick walls.

I’m left with scrapes and mending them is always a bitch.

In this moment though…I’m just attempting to dive into the parts of my brain I keep from myself.  It’s like the key disappeared in order to protect me from making fucked up decisions.  Who’s to say what’s fucked up anyhow?

You?  Me?  Them…

I still don’t know what I’m trying to say really.  There was this song on…”There By Your Side,” by the Milk Carton Kids.  And it was making me feel all sorts of vibrancies.  Waves of hot and cold forced out of me by melodic therapy.

Why am I so afraid to ride these waves?  What am I afraid of?  Who?

I’ve fallen so much in the past two years, how could I possibly fear falling off balance once again?

Knowing that answer might be the very source of my fear alone.

Knowing is power.

And power means no looking back.

clear

Time flies
Skies shine
Brighter
Crystal clear
No fuel to ignite her
Crooked smiles
Turned down
Fright night
Starts before midnight
On this ride
At the gun show
Pelicans die
Soldiers march sideways
To repeating background noise
Playing house
Toys for blight
Chores that might
Make the honor list
Or not
With knots in your stomach
Bursting
At seams withholding
Her truths
Forgotten youth
Of rotten fruits
It’s better this way
No scripts to read
Or hearts to bleed
Time flies when
You’re having fun
Clocks locked
With nowhere to run.

this is how we fall

Too young to know better
Too old to dream
Jaded by anger dismayed by the steep
Hill laid out to climb
Soaked in time muddled
Diluted in teardrops
Blended with her mind’s eye
This is how we fall
Head over heels
With our backs against the wall
Transmitting wavelengths
Throats heavy
Knees buried
Deep under straining for the crawl
This is how we fly
With our wings
Plucked from our sides
Cement thrown over faces
Searching for new heights
New flights
Turn into new fights
My sight
Made clear
To steer

In the other direction.

sound and magic ♥ isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me…

I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…

I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…

I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.

Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.

Just one more moment with her.

I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.

….

Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…

“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”

hello goodbye

Sometimes there’s nothing to say.

When words become repetitive, and emotion disregarded…

All bets are off.

But I knew this already. What exactly did I expect to be different this time around? Minus titles, minus commitment…how could I have ever expected there to be any more…care…than when those elements existed?

Sometimes there’s nothing to do.

When actions are repeated and feelings hollow hearted…

I’m tired of the game.

I’m tired of trying to be the bigger person only to have the effort thrown back in my face.

I remember…

Laughter, talking, smiles, support.

I remember…

Wanting, aching, comfort, passion.

She remembers…

Sadness, hurt, pain, and remorse.

If only we remembered the same things…

About our yesterday.

But today…

Today I will not be an emotional punching bag…for that which can’t be forgotten. I will not be a filler for the days in-between. I will not paint her reflection gold while mine is banished in black…

Pushed farther and farther back.

I am bright and I am new.

I am worth worlds more than a few empty “How are yous.”

I am retiring this imaginary state of bliss. Ridding myself of the misery that might or might not be our very last kiss…

I will fight, I will vehemently push through..

Walking forward with only the memory of what I once knew.

let down

Some love pulls you up
Some love drags you down
Some love leaves you wondering…
Why?

If this….
Then why ever…
Was the experience enough to displace the emotional debris
Left over from the crash?

when you’re not strong

In life there are people that hold you up…and people that will pull you down. Sometimes there are those that pretend they can…and will hold you up but selfishly only stand still expecting you to pick up the pieces they left strewn about.

Anyhow…I am not inspired to write. But I loved this version of one of my favorite songs of all time.

Considering my current mood, it’s fitting.