Category Archives: chew on this

all of me

Exactly how much can you hold another responsible for your emotions?  And exactly what percent must you hold yourself responsible?  We decide what to do, which way to go, who to be after all…

I don’t know how honest I’ve been with myself in the past few months.  The past couple of years actually.  There are things I’ve wanted, yet convinced myself I did not.  There are things I needed, but ignored.  It’s a funny thing to want and need.  Especially when the source of those emotions aren’t necessarily open for business.  It’s like trying to embrace a brick wall.

I’m not too fond of hugging brick walls.

I’m left with scrapes and mending them is always a bitch.

In this moment though…I’m just attempting to dive into the parts of my brain I keep from myself.  It’s like the key disappeared in order to protect me from making fucked up decisions.  Who’s to say what’s fucked up anyhow?

You?  Me?  Them…

I still don’t know what I’m trying to say really.  There was this song on…”There By Your Side,” by the Milk Carton Kids.  And it was making me feel all sorts of vibrancies.  Waves of hot and cold forced out of me by melodic therapy.

Why am I so afraid to ride these waves?  What am I afraid of?  Who?

I’ve fallen so much in the past two years, how could I possibly fear falling off balance once again?

Knowing that answer might be the very source of my fear alone.

Knowing is power.

And power means no looking back.

sound and magic ♥ blue is the warmest color

BluePoster

Currently at Cannes an awaking, intimate portrayal of Lesbian love has everyone buzzing.  Blue Is The Warmest Color, directed by Abdellatif Kechiche, tells the story of a high school girl, Adèle (played by Adele Exarchopoulos) who falls for, Emma, a very interesting, intriguing older graduate student (played by Lea Seydoux).

BlueWarm

Some are only talking about this film because of the sex…which there is a lot of.  And by a lot I mean A LOT.  There’s one main scene that last 10 whole mins… none of which seems simulated.  These actresses threw themselves into the entirety of the roles, especially the sex.  Now the unfortunate part of taking such creative chances in film is that it can overshadow what could be…and just might be an amazing work of art for the story alone.

“Charmed but also intimidated by Emma’s maturity and confidence, Adèle enters the relationship at something of a disadvantage, but the sex scenes allow them to gain an equal foothold, their bodies joined together in shared ecstasy. (There’s a reason why they need to be so explicit: We have to believe fully in these two people’s erotic connection, which is palatable, convincing and utterly unadorned.)” – Tim Grierson (Paste Magazine)

People will dwell and gossip about whether it’s too graphic, or too explicit…completely forgetting whether or not the film, at the core, does it’s job.  And isn’t it a filmmakers job to tell a story?  The best love stories aren’t just butterflies and rainbows.  They’re sticky and sweet…and get under your skin  So perhaps this isn’t soft porn for male eyes disguised as a lesbian coming of age story.  Maybe it’s just about love, period.

“Kechiche’s movie requires patience, but that patience is rewarded by opening up a love affair to show how so much of our personal struggles—about growing up, about trying to trust another person, about getting over our own insecurities—are tangled up in our relationship with a partner.” – Tim Grierson (Paste Magazine)

Blue2

There are a bevy of brilliant reviews of the film.  My favorite of which you can check out at the below links:

www.pastemagazine.com by Tim Grierson  “To reveal too much else of Blue’s storyline would be to rob the viewer of the gentle twists and shifts in the characters’ dynamic. But then again, a plot description really doesn’t do justice to the nuance of what Kechiche has achieved. In understated scene after understated scene, the movie organically chronicles how any relationship—straight or gay—evolves over time, skipping the usual loss-of-passion obviousness for something much more insightful.”

www.film.com review by Jordan Hoffman “There’s a “let’s meet for closure” scene that is so heartbreaking, so true and, importantly, so true to these characters and their specific relationship that it (deep breath now) ranks as one of the most emotionally devastating moments I’ve seen in a drama ever.”

www.variety.com by Justin Chang  “It’s a simple, even predictable story, yet textured so exquisitely and acted so forcefully as to feel almost revelatory.”

www.hollywoodreporter.com by Jordan Mintzer  “ …sex and love can, in the best cases, become one and the same, uniting two people who might actually have less in common than they believe.”

 

clear

Time flies
Skies shine
Brighter
Crystal clear
No fuel to ignite her
Crooked smiles
Turned down
Fright night
Starts before midnight
On this ride
At the gun show
Pelicans die
Soldiers march sideways
To repeating background noise
Playing house
Toys for blight
Chores that might
Make the honor list
Or not
With knots in your stomach
Bursting
At seams withholding
Her truths
Forgotten youth
Of rotten fruits
It’s better this way
No scripts to read
Or hearts to bleed
Time flies when
You’re having fun
Clocks locked
With nowhere to run.

this is how we fall

Too young to know better
Too old to dream
Jaded by anger dismayed by the steep
Hill laid out to climb
Soaked in time muddled
Diluted in teardrops
Blended with her mind’s eye
This is how we fall
Head over heels
With our backs against the wall
Transmitting wavelengths
Throats heavy
Knees buried
Deep under straining for the crawl
This is how we fly
With our wings
Plucked from our sides
Cement thrown over faces
Searching for new heights
New flights
Turn into new fights
My sight
Made clear
To steer

In the other direction.

sound and magic ♥ isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me…

I had an overall awesome year…but things got a little clouded and dark towards the end. I don’t have much family that “knows” me. And the rest are scattered around the US…strangers to each other, including me. Growing up an only child can be a blessing or a curse. I suddenly started to think of my biological dad, still a touring funk musician now in his 60s or something like that…”sampled by Kanye West, Public Enemy, Eminem” blah blah…all things I’ve read off his band’s fb page while stalking…and thinking how he communicates with fans all over the world…but has never cared to get to know me…and then my stepdad, the only “dad” I grew up with…went slightly MIA after my Mother’s death. The occasional FB “Hey Kid” is the extent of our current relationship. I get it…it’s hard to look at me…let alone be around me when I remind him of her. That or…never really wanting kids makes it easy to bounce with nothing holding you to that child…no marriage…no blood ties…

I have abandonment issues and then some. Textbook. Anyone who leaves…really really leaves to me. And the simplest goodbyes hurt ten-fold. Lately I’ve been dealing with an on and off love situation. If you can even call it that…considering…

I’m starting to wonder if it ever was real.

Whatever the case I’ve wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball and have Charlotte remind that through all of it…I’ll be ok. Because I’m her daughter and I am strong.

Just one more moment with her.

I’ve been missing her so much…nothing else really matters.

….

Anyhow…I was much younger when this song came out and I used to listen to it constantly. Heard it again, randomly, today. Thought it was fitting…

“I’m standing on a bridge
I’m waiting in the dark
I thought that you’d be here by now
There’s nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I’m listening but there’s no sound

Isn’t anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won’t somebody come take me home…”

hello goodbye

Sometimes there’s nothing to say.

When words become repetitive, and emotion disregarded…

All bets are off.

But I knew this already. What exactly did I expect to be different this time around? Minus titles, minus commitment…how could I have ever expected there to be any more…care…than when those elements existed?

Sometimes there’s nothing to do.

When actions are repeated and feelings hollow hearted…

I’m tired of the game.

I’m tired of trying to be the bigger person only to have the effort thrown back in my face.

I remember…

Laughter, talking, smiles, support.

I remember…

Wanting, aching, comfort, passion.

She remembers…

Sadness, hurt, pain, and remorse.

If only we remembered the same things…

About our yesterday.

But today…

Today I will not be an emotional punching bag…for that which can’t be forgotten. I will not be a filler for the days in-between. I will not paint her reflection gold while mine is banished in black…

Pushed farther and farther back.

I am bright and I am new.

I am worth worlds more than a few empty “How are yous.”

I am retiring this imaginary state of bliss. Ridding myself of the misery that might or might not be our very last kiss…

I will fight, I will vehemently push through..

Walking forward with only the memory of what I once knew.

let down

Some love pulls you up
Some love drags you down
Some love leaves you wondering…
Why?

If this….
Then why ever…
Was the experience enough to displace the emotional debris
Left over from the crash?