silent killer

The last few weeks have been some of the most fun, warm, enjoyable and eventful of my life…but why do I feel so sad…

I’m currently laying here on the floor staring at the ceiling while I tap these, “probably won’t get posted or will end up deleted like the last 3 blogs,” words into my wordpress app. I do most of my blogging, and emailing on my phone nowadays…

I’m scared of my computer.

It makes me feel inhuman.

Aside from edits and posting things with flash or high res, it’s currently off limits…indefinitely.

I think the same thing happened to my emotions…I can’t find them. A little while ago I put them in a box and hid the key. I feel them…surging through me…I just can’t define them much anymore.

A few minutes ago I said I was sad. I am…but only because I recognize that tight feeling in the center of my chest as anything but…good. Not to mention the overwhelming amount of unsettling dreams I’ve been having. Like my subconscious is screaming to be heard.

That…and I can’t be alone. I’m a loner at heart and enjoy days on end of me, myself and I on dungeon duty. But lately I’m surrounded by people and being alone brings on a strange form of anxiety.

Leaving me to wonder…am I afraid to feel?

Today is my first full day by myself in the last couple of weeks. I’m starting to want to search for that key.

To put a name to what’s going on inside me.

I guess there’s always the theory that if I leave myself in the dark long enough…they’ll dilute or transform by the time I finally do open that box again.

Grey…

Is a lot easier to tolerate than red…or yellow…or green. I hate green.

Grey suits me well.

For now…

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