I went hiking today. It was amazing. Half way up I wanted to throw myself off the mountain because I was so out of it and exhausted…but it was worth it. And when those endorphins kicked in nothing mattered but that moment…and I wanted to feel that again every damn day.
Then somehow I ended up all around LA still in workout clothes. Walking in and out of places I never would have gone even with a plain t-shirt on. But there I was, no make up, hair tied up in retarded exercise clothes and I couldn’t care less.
It was a really good day. I felt very free and not my usual uptight self.
Now, on the other hand, is a different story…
I’m so so so tired. I have the biggest headache, and I’m super anxious. I keep wanting to break out in full on tears and I’m not really “upset” in the technical sense. I don’t think I am.
I’ve got this huge welt on my neck that’s itchy and red. I’ve got another one in my elbow area. Damn bug bites. I thoouughht I managed to have an awesome hike minus one freaking bite. But no, not possible. Pssshh.
I miss someone really bad right now as well. And I want nothing more than to melt into her and get out of my head.
Fuck you distance.
I seem to be allergic to falling for girls within my own zip-code.
Nights like tonight remind me why this is annoying. Or can be…
Nights like tonight also remind me that I have issues…
I’ve got this messed up idea that I can love a beautiful girl…and only I should want to look at her. Then my instincts want to put her in a box…tucked away from anyone else’s eyes when I feel too many are watching. But that’s the thing about physical beauty…people are always watching and wanting and watching. And I’d be lying to myself if I said a little of that wasn’t appealing in the girls I end up with…the fact that what is mine…is “wanted.” But despite the want being literal, visual, or figurative or even for mere inspiration…I grow into this monster.
I hate the monster, and I hate that stupid box it owns…
I mean…mostly it’s reserved, or only acts out in spurts before I quiet it. But…like…people are not fucking trophies you lock up and only share behind a shatter proof glass case.
I wonder if I can get one of those bad boys life sized and on wheels? If it was cozy and had a chair inside maybe she wouldn’t mind staying in there 60% of the time. The other 40 I’d let her out for cuddling and sex.
Told you I had issues.