3:00am

It’s really quiet now. Well aside from the music I have playing and the sound of my legs swooshing around in the water…

It’s quiet.

Jennifer is asleep in her bed, and Serge is asleep in my bed, and I’m in here, alone in the bathtub…alone with my thoughts.

I think I’d like to go to sleep, soon ideally…but I’m not really in a “sleepover” share a bed mood so maybe I’ll go crash on the couch. Or maybe I’ll fall asleep in the tub… Eh. Probably not a good idea if I want to be breathing in the morning.

My back is killing me again. Though the volume in my head is loud enough I’m barely noticing.

My head

My head…

My head.

Just before this I was writing an email, but I deleted it. Then I wrote another…and deleted that too. It feels strange not knowing what to say to someone…you once wanted to say everything too. And now…you feel… I feel like an intruder. A stranger…maybe? I think. IDK. Why am I asking myself questions? Hmm. I did it again.

I’ve been in the bath far too long. Normal people don’t take baths as long as I do. But…

You guys already know about me and normal.

I should get out.

I should do a lot of things.

Is it unfair getting to know someone new when the deepest parts of you are still undoing pieces of someone else? Or is that just life…and…

I mean it’s not like I technically even “had” these pieces to begin with.

So…

Why the hell does it continue to feel so hard to remove…from inside me…

OMG…and why do I keep asking myself non rhetorical questions!?

I’m not even making sense.

The water’s killing my brain cells.

I’ve gotta get outta this tub.

17 responses to “3:00am

  1. Maybe it’s the best thing that you can do for yourself… to get to know someone else, despite… you know.

    If you allow yourself that opportunity, something (or someone!) great might come out of it, versus… indefinitely being caught up on some ho that prolly doesn’t deserve your brain waves and time and time and brain waves ;).

    hehe, just playin! Seriously though, sometimes removing people from the forefront of our minds requires moving on to someone else. It’s not thoughtless on your part. Like I said, something good could come out of it. And you deserve some good!

    • Lol….but no, not a “ho” at all. hahaha. More like somebody I really care about…

      So I kinda feel as if I’m driving under the influence whenever I’m getting to know, dating, or seeing other girls. If that makes sense. Like driving is more dangerous for the passenger…until I sober up…

      • hehe I hear you.

        Like Sara, when I was 19, I had a crush… well, I was semi-obsessed with a fellow theatre student. She became one of my closest friends, but I wanted more… and she gave me very mixed signals. This went on for well over a year… I felt like I was in a tunnel and could only really focus on my feelings for her. I knew that I should just move on, but it was really hard for me.

        But then I met someone else – who knew that I had been infatuated with another woman. Those feelings that I initially had for the fellow student evaporated very, very quickly. I still cared for her as a friend, of course, but I was finally able to move on.

      • Omg, exactly. It’s very consuming. And it was frustrating before. Now the frustration has altered and transformed into something else I’m still trying to figure out. But, yes….for some time every girl I would be involved with would ask me what was up cuz they could tell my brain was always totally somewhere else.

        And we’re not 19 anymore….and I feel like I’m too old to act like that…though funny thing is 19 year old me would have said f*ck it from the start. The evolved older present day me is so damn understanding and can see things from more perspectives….so I can respect the layers of different relationships, despite them not being what I originally wanted. And distractions….people can help…but its always a wonderful feeling when you find someone that genuinely can shift your attention, rather then feeling like you’re using anyone. In those cases my chances of putting this behind me emotionally are much higher. That’s the goal. 🙂

      • I like to think that, as a 28 year old (gah!), I would not repeat the same mistake that I made as a 19 year old… but…. yeah. Love is complicated, women are pains in the ass, and, if I am ever single again, I can’t make any guarantees that I won’t repeat past mistakes. We’re only human after all. So don’t fault yourself lovely. Just try to make the best decisions for your present and future self.

        And I totally get the being understanding aspect…. sometimes I feel like, in my relationships, I allow myself to be a rug (to a certain extent)…. it’s good to be understanding and respect the layers of relationships (as you so eloquently note), but it’s also gets “us” into trouble. C’est la vie. I guess that it is far better than being rigid.

        On a side note… Screw being a parrot. I want to be one of those people that brings old people in airports to their gates. Can you imagine the stories that you could hear in a matter of minutes? They look so happy, just to be driven! I’m in an airport right now, can you tell? And I just discovered my future calling ;).

      • Airports are amazing to me. I want that job too now that you mention it. But I really really want to be one of those old people in an old pair….one of the ones that make it, against all odds….telling stories about the first time they knew that was the person they’d spend the rest of their life with. Holding hands and smiling at each other…all gray and wrinkly, but so in love…

        Please excuse me while I go shoot myself now. 😛

      • baaarf, jk, jk ;).

        I’m not a huge fan of romantic comedies, but I have to admit that I secretly love “When Harry Met Sally.” The scenes with the old couples, telling “their” story are priceless.

    • what you wrote was dead on__

      “I felt like I was in a tunnel and could only really focus on my feelings for her.”

      That really hit close to home.

  2. I had a crush on my salsa instructor for about two years. I didn’t get over it until after I met another guy. That guy became my boyfriend. =)

    • Well that worked out pretty alright for ya now! 😀

      What I’m curious about is did your bf know you were interested in someone else when you first started dating? How did that effect things…or….were you able to forget about the teacher guy quickly?

      • It took me a long time to stop thinking about my instructor. I was fortunate to meet someone willing to be patient. I am lucky to have my boyfriend now. He’s the best I could wish for. Don’t let the idea of a person get in the way of somebody who really wants to get to know you. XoXo

  3. I couldn’t sleep with you giggling on the phone. Yes that movie was my wake up call. I’m going to bed now so stop clicking. I can hear the keys from the other room! :O)

  4. “its always a wonderful feeling when you find someone that genuinely can shift your attention”

    isn’t it?

    <3<3<3 x a million and a half

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