tree bark

It’s a little after 2am and I’m really tired. But my head is going so it’ll be a long while before I actually pass out. On the flip side I’m currently at my Aunt’s house a few hours away from LA. Just got here tonight. It’s always good to see family and I have a new little baby cousin I have yet to meet. Hopefully tomorrow. Not to mention upon entering the front door I’m graciously greeted by three rather large pieces of my mother’s artwork. I always forget they’re here…until I see them. But when I do see them I remember each moment she was working on them. Her locks tied up, away from her face…and fingers covered in charcoal. But she always managed to get charcoal on her cheeks, arms and on me. “Mom, it’s everywhere! Can you do that in a non messy way?”

“Yes child of mine. As soon as you learn to relax. Now please get me more tree bark from downstairs?” I actually can tell the difference between the strips she chose and the ones I did. She never did stop being a messy artist. And I never learned to relax. Hmm… I’m quite intimidated by charcoal actually. I should have studied her technique better. But we always think there will be more time…until there isn’t. I stared at those pieces for such a long while tonight.

I miss her. She was the oldest, and this aunt of mine was the youngest…but they were the closest. So…Charlotte’s energy is all over this house. I can feel her. I wish she were here right now. I’d love to just stay up and tell her everything going on in my head right now. She passed away before a lot of really big changes happened in my life. Before I even came out as a “lesbian.” I mean I had boyfriends and girlfriends and labeled myself as bisexual. But there’s so much…more now…to me. To my world. I think if she were alive now… Everything would feel so much brighter.

14 responses to “tree bark

  1. Beautiful writing & memories!

    Losing a parent leaves a hole that can never really be filled… I lost my father when I was 5… I don’t mean this in the way that it sounds- cause it probably sounds twisted – but I imagine that losing a parent at a young age is probably a lot “easier” than losing a parent in the prime of your life. I don’t really remember what it was like to have my father in my life. I still feel pain, of course, but I have a lot of scar tissue built up nowadays around that wound.

    I can’t fully imagine the loss that you must feel, but know that I’m sorry for your loss. I’m not religious but I do believe that our loved ones are with us, in some way or another. I know that it’s not the same as having your mother there in person (by any means).

    In many ways, your are your mother, and your mother is you. You carry on, and build upon, your mother’s legacy and experiences. Her energy helped shape who you are today and that energy doesn’t just disappear – it lives in you.

    • I understand what you mean completely. I feel that way about my grandmother. I never met her. She died when my mother was 18 years old. And my mom didn’t have me until she was 30. So as much as I know about my grandmother through what she told me…they were only memories. It’s weird because there were things about my mother I couldn’t put my finger on…like I felt like she never “grew up” all the way emotionally because of losing her mother when she did. I was in my early 20s. Funny how life repeats itself. I’m starting to recognize that inability to…grow…in some ways…in myself. Like part of me will always be frozen at the age I was when I lost her. I was just learning what it meant to become a woman…I spent the years following her death in total denial. So…it’s only a recent thing…me coping…acknowledging…in a healthy way.

      Thank you for taking the time to give me your two cents. I always look forward to your insight.

  2. I am sorry for your loss. I do not know what you must feel but thank you for being open with us.

  3. ♥ x’s 100,000

  4. Losing your mother when you did must have been life shattering. Not quite a women, and no longer a child. I’ve followed your writing and photography since I saw you in curve magazine. I remember you being candid about your mother and how her death changed you. I lalways looked forward to those myspace blogs. I know it doesn’t make it better but she would have been proud of the woman you’ve become. A great deal of us look up to you. Thank you for continuing to inspire us all. Xx rossa

  5. embrace your memories tashka! i love your writing.

  6. (((hugs))) ❤

  7. Miss you mamacita. Charlotte was a very special lady. She’ll always be in our hearts.

  8. great to read. i’m always amazed at your ability to be open. keep it up. gotta say i love your work.

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