the walking dead

Sleeping too much is a sign of depression. I know this. What about not sleeping at all? Or alternating between the two extremes? Then what?

I don’t feel depressed.

But I can say I don’t feel like “myself” whatever that means.

I also feel like…in this moment…that I have been dishonest. Not that I’ve been lying or speaking falsehoods. But…I haven’t been facing my feelings. At least I realized this all today. I’ve been trying so hard to believe I made a mistake. Hoping I created emotions where they didn’t exist. Praying, even I, with my insight for bullshit, accidentally let this adolescent crush I had turn into infatuation…which I innocently mistook for love.

“You weren’t in love Taschka. There’s no way. You barely………………….”

What does it mean to “know” someone?

Being around someone a few times, versus years? There are family members who have known me my entire life…who barely know me. There are friends I’ve made and within 24hrs felt like kindred spirits. So I don’t really understand what defines “knowing.” I guess it’s for the individual to decide. But I will say this, the lack of knowing at times…is what can keep you from discovering the things that can shatter your ideals. And no one is or should be idealized as such. Even I know that. But sometimes you ignore certain signs and just trust your feelings. I trusted mine and they told me I was in love.

When I discovered for the first time in my life that what I wanted wasn’t what I could have…I reacted as any raging narcissist would. I freaked out emotionally. Then I put on armor and said fuck it. And since, I’ve pushed it to the back of my head and have not revisited it.

But today…

Someone extremely important to me said something along the lines of, “I don’t mind being second choice as long as I am one of your choices.”

When I asked them wtf they meant by that absurd remark they then told me, “Your feelings for her haven’t gone away. You’re just pretending they did.”

::sigh::

I had nothing to say about that. In fact I felt the most real I had in ages. Everyone has been so quick to denounce my emotions…by telling me I made them up, or that I was lying to myself. So I started to believe it. I started to doubt everything I felt for the past year…just because of a few technicalities and adult assumptions.

But isn’t being an adult also being able to acknowledge when you’re hurting? And being Woman enough to admit the truth? Despite facts, despite possibility, despite want…

Today I discovered I still “feel” and it’s ok. I’m not a weak person because of this. I’m also not crazy or weird, or whatever. People fall…it just happens. I’m tired of apologizing to myself for it. I’m tired of being afraid of judgement. I’m just tired of giving a shit…all because of four little letters that smacked me in the face.

So what. So the world can see this. Anyone can read this and know I too, along with the rest of you, am capable of being vulnerable. Only I’m laying it all out on the table. I don’t care anymore. It feels amazing to admit…to put a name to this numbness that’s been dwelling inside. It’s ok to hurt. At some point I’ll get passed it. I don’t know when, or how…but I will.

10 responses to “the walking dead

  1. Thank you for your beautiful words.

  2. I think sometimes we push things to the back of our mind to cope with what we cant handle in the moment… this is what I do at least. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Sometimes life/people/events are just too hard to handle in the moment.

    … You can’t push things to the back of your ming completely, but sometimes you need to temporarily. Then when you re-approach that person-place-thing, your nerves are a little less raw.

    I wish I was a parrot.

    • Lol….I often wish I too was a parrot! Haha.

      But I completely agree, the toughest situations are often what we ignore until we are strong enough to deal with them. Only this “situation” wasn’t something I couldn’t or can’t deal with. I think it was my personal decision to act like it wasn’t “real” in order to not find out how the other person “didn’t” feel. I was scared of that. Once I was in that strange place I just wanted to forget it all existed in my head. But it’s very real, and very important to me. For reasons I alone can comprehend. So I’ve taken it out of the corner of my mind and set it free. It will remain unchained until it drifts away on it’s own…without me forcing it into solitude.

      • hehe, I’ll put Jenn R from now on, so as not to confuse.

        What happened to your facebook lady? I swear I’m not a stalker ;). I just noticed that it’s gone.

        Anyway, back to the important stuff… I understand where you are coming from and think that you are dealing with it in a very healthy and un-forced way.

      • I know which Jenn you are now. I wondered if it was you! Thanks for reading my blog and giving me so much good advice. Seriously so appreciated. The other Jen makes fun of me more so after a while I was like yeah totally not her haha. But, thank you…I hope I’m reacting more mature and healthy. When I was younger everything I did was abrasive and selfish…I think. Nowadays I try to see everything from all perspectives. Even if I’m the odd man out…

        Wait, am I making sense. I’ve barely slept. Kinda delirious. 😛

      • P.S.

        I disabled it because it felt like it was too distracting. And it also started to feel super invasive. I hated how much it gave away about my actions even with super privacy settings. There was only so much we could control. I’m extremely paranoid about people in my business. Lol…believe or not. 😀

      • hehehe. You are making sense, despite the lack of sleep ;).

        I’m happy to read your blog! Life is all about learning and growing (at least in my book), so I’m happy to share my experiences and thoughts with you when I can. Whenever I become settled in my existence and zoned out, I feel like my life gets so stale, so it’s nice to think about these things. So thanks for sharing! I don’t think that I could do it.

        I totally understand the facebook distraction issue! When I was writing my thesis, I basically had to ban myself from facebook, so that I could stay focused on what I needed to do. Otherwise, I would keep myself busy doing absolutely nothing and regret it later :).

  3. Of course we think you’re crazy. Hah! j/k ok, not really. It’s not that we didn’t believe you felt the way you did, T. We’re protective about your feelings and don’t like seeing you sad. I see you everyday so I know you’re not making it up. Keep writing whatever you feel. It’s healthier to get it out. Release.

    • JT dizzle….ahh…I thought the other Jen(n) was you for a short minute. At least on another post. And I was like wow, she’s being nice to me and NOT calling me names for once hahaha. But then after writing her a few times I realized nope, not tanaka-san. But anyways…..I’m delighted you graced my blog with your presence, and words of wisdom. I know that you of all people know what’s up when it comes to my emotions….and thanks for being there whenever I am in one of those “crazy” moods. And for talking me into writing how I feel again. ❤

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