fluorescent hay

There’s nothing a little ocean salt in the air and gourmet french fries can’t cure.

I’m not exactly in the mood to be writing/sharing. But I’m doing this more as a personal exercise rather than to expel any specific emotions. I’m in a rather neutral state so…dramatics are at a stand still. And my best writing comes from the drama…I think at least.

Recently…sadness has turned into anger…which…slightly dissipated. And now I’m left feeling pretty indifferent. I don’t really feel there is much room for other emotions. At the core, yes, I can still admit there’s some questioning…some yearning, even a tinge of jealousy…but… Idk. I’m pretty logical when it comes to facts. At least now that I’m older.

22 year old Taschka would have probably had a cow, flipped out and done some kind of a spell just to prove a point. But I’m not as ridiculous as I used to be. And all I can do is live in the current state of knowledge that now inhabits my brain. Prior to this information I was prancing around open fields of fluorescent hay…somewhere between fantasy and the black hole. And that was my home…that cotton candy field of the unknown.

They say ignorance is bliss, and that couldn’t be more true. But for me, the facts are all I can presently focus on. It’s all I have. And reality is that sometimes people hide behind facts. Because telling you the truth without concrete blockades can appear more cruel.

Keyword, being “appear.” and nobody likes to play the role of the bad guy. I have a lot of respect for bad guys…that just come right out and stake you in the chest…as opposed to dancing around the heart of things.

I wish I hadn’t gotten this emotionally invested into something that will never be. It’s going to be a lot of interior work to free myself of this. Not hard work…but abundant. It felt like it was going to be hard a week ago. But now it’s just necessary. And honestly…I’ve got too much self respect to continue pining over someone who I now know is into someone else. I just don’t function like that. I never have. So…that’s my logic for the night. I think I should get some sleep now.

Night world.

4 responses to “fluorescent hay

  1. See how far you have come in just a few days? Good insight you possess.

  2. Good for you. Maybe you’ll look back and realize it was infatuation instead of love.

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