it’s christmas eve…

I’m sitting here in the most mellow….odd…offbeat mood. I don’t know what to do with myself. I think I’m in one of those places where I don’t want to acknowledge the existence of the holiday that is upon me…or that is here.

I realized this morning the reason why…

My mother.

Or lack there of I should say.


Christmas just isn’t what it should be without her. And Christmas eve…we’d always force each other to open one gift from the bazzilion of gifts under our “faux” tree. God forbid we cut down something living in the name of commercialism. Not in our house, no way!

So many years we shared just the two of us. I miss those days. I miss my mom. I wish I could lay in her lap and tell her all the drama that’s been on my mind. She’d rub my head, and say, “Baby, you’re just like me.” I’d tell her no way, and we’d laugh about it.

But it’s true. I am.

Just like her.

I’m sitting here, thinking about my mom…and other things…trying to forget it’s Christmas eve.

It’s really ironic my Cali/NY peeps are in Cali right now. My roommate just left to catch her flight to London. And I’m here…alone. Thank god my friend gets here tomorrow. I’d probably eat myself alive or something extreme if I had to deal with myself longer than 24hrs alone. It will be the second year in a row my friend and I are having our “anti-Christmas”. She arrives in NY early afternoon and I’m ecstatic. So I just have between now and then to sit here…like a sack potato and dwell in my own ReRe-ness.

I could edit more….but my eyes need a break. The TV is on. But staring at the wall seems more amusing. Why does it seem like I’ve seen everything on Netflix?

I just watched that movie, “houndog” with Dakota Fanning.


I need to put something on and get out of my head….this…attempt at writing isn’t even helping.


No…not in the mood.


Bite me.



TV fucking off.

I don’t care if my eyes hurt….Editing it is.

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