Last night I wrote a letter.
I shouldn’t have, but I stayed up past 6am….my friend and I were both going back and forth about equally interesting mind boggling brain issues. And once you get the two of us talking, that’s it. And she gave me an assignment….sort of. In a way. She knows me better than anyone and out of the 5 people in the world that I tell everything, I tell her the most.
Most people ask me, “What do you want from her?” And I never seem to have an answer. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I shouldn’t expect anything, or because I don’t want anything. Can you want someone, and not want anything from them?
That’s a complete lie. I know it is. My mind is just padding itself in order to protect me. And I know deep down I want…more than the idea. I remember what it’s like to want a person…I think.
You can read my previous rambles and see it’s obvious what I want. Sort of.
Anyways, that’s my point. And I’ve got to make this quick cuz I have to leave……
But last night I wrote a letter.
I wrote her a letter. I told her everything. And I mean flipp’n everything. From the semplice to the intricate. This is what my friend suggested I do. Write this letter and get it all out. Say it all….to her….for myself…
Because this letter will never be seen.
And I didn’t hold back. It was the longest letter I’ve ever written to someone. And that’s it.
After writing for almost two hours. Idk, I was sleepy and I kept dozing between statements. That and I kept omitting then remembering she’d never see it so I could say what I wanted.
And when I was at the end…after I wrote my last sentence, I hit done. Now the string of emotional words sit softly within the safety of my iPhone’s Notes. For me to revisit…when I need a reminder that I told somebody.
Until now…or last night. I hadn’t even admitted how “big” my feelings were. Only because I’ve been trying to decrease them. It’s working….making the feelings go away. I don’t want to do that, it’s just for the best.
But before they’re gone forever and just a memory of a secret I once kept.
I wrote a letter to myself…to the girl I love.
That she will never see.