gay flag

Choir of young believers is playing….

I’m typing…

Serge is relaxing, reading, texting. I figured I’d take the chill time to bloggity blog. It’s flurrying outside….not quite snow…not rain….just wet white blobs of airy stuff…falling from the sky…I’m sure it will become snow the moment I leave. Just my luck.

“So dramatic going down…”

I love this song.

It’s late and maybe I should head home. Not sure if I want to be making it back after 3am, alone in this wack weather. I’ll leave soon. I was listening to Billie Holiday, Norah Jones, and Feist earlier….inspired the hell out of me. I’ve got melodies in my head. And half written songs begging to be completed. Why do I write songs when I don’t sing, nor play any instruments? It’s actually kind of annoying to me. Maybe I’ll start selling this shit. Or something. It’s the drawback to my lack of whining. When I don’t “whine” about love shit the backlash is music, and it comes in huge waves. I don’t mind. It just feels wasted on me since I never know what to do with it all. I told Heather I needed her to do something about it with me. Her girlfriend plays the piano, and she well, does fabulous things on her guitar and drums, she knows my sound, and I trust her….and it makes me smile…cuz I won’t sing in front of anyone but her, Jen, and AJ. Wait….this means I’ve gotta open my mouth in front of her new girl….iiicckkkk, fuck. I didn’t think about that.

Whatever. I’ll deal.

Maybe I’ll get the guts to go find my bio dad’s house, walk up to his door and throw my lyrics in his face. Like, “play this bitch!”

Serge is trying to get my attention.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………dfkhklahffiwsgfkvlhowFBGBGHDNBFGN…………………………………………………………………………DSAFBDFJG………………….. <—– That was me holding down keys like a 2 year old while talking to Serge.

So mature.

I feel very normal today. Lately. I want to express myself right now, and write something that’s not a song.

I want to run…

with words.

But nothing really wants to come out yet. I think my brain is boycotting me. It’s angry I’m neglecting my demons. But after awhile it gets old…your demons tripping about shit out of it’s control. The reality is…I read a lot of the blogs I wrote recently and mentally threw up at how ridiculous I sounded. I mean, all those feelings are…were real….hmmm…are real. It’s just I’m stronger than that. Worth more. And there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk. Not that I’ve spilt anything. And I guess I can break that down like the adult that I am, rather than childish little girl that wrote those previous blogs.

I’ve been contemplating spilling that milk. Life is short, and I’d rather exhale and reveal than keep it inside forever. I’m just tying to figure out how I can do that without losing a friend in the process. Truth is. I’ve experienced the reverse of this myself, a few times. But once it was very serious and the friendship was never the same.

I had just gotten out of a long relationship. A friend (who will remain nameless) that I had become very close to in a matter of 3 or so years…revealed her true feelings. It went something like, “I’ve always wanted to tell you this but didn’t know how……Every time I’m around you I have to hide my true self because……You’re everything I want in a Woman……..Now that you’re not with so and so I thought this is my moment…..I’m in love with you…..Please tell me you’ll give me a chance…..”

I was in shock. I had no fucking idea…..none at all. I knew she thought I was attractive, and had a little “crush” but I thought it was playful. We’d never ever been anything but platonic friends. Nothing more. So to discover this was not easy for me. And I say that because I did not feel the same way. I spent some time trying to figure out what to do about it. I didn’t want to be a bitch because I cared about her. But I also wanted to tell her right away that I didn’t feel the same. So that’s what I did. I told her I felt very very special to know she held me in such high regard, but that there was no way we could be more than friends. I just didn’t see her like that. She seemed to respect how I felt. I thought everything would be ok. But it wasn’t. We grew apart the years to follow. The friendship we’d built suddenly turned into occasional hellos, checking in, and then silence. I got the cold shoulder. It sucked. I really would have loved to have had her friendship. But just because I wasn’t in love with her back….I lost a friend?

So you see why this freaks me out?

You just don’t mix friendship and fucking love unless you both feel the same way. Otherwise you’ve got to be willing to face the fact that one party might not be so cool with the news, or reaction to the news. How do you act after knowing such information? I feel like it complicates every aspect of seemingly platonic situations. It puts every word, action, and their sequential feelings under a microscope. Not to mention this person is important to me so losing them would suck. And I don’t want to be that girl…that feels a certain way for someone….and….that feeling is just hanging around in the air…between you both like….so ugghhh….yeah….how about that red baloon up there….you gonna pop it, or should I?

I’m trying to pop my own balloon before letting it float into her vision. I feel that would hurt less than her popping it. Which I’m already prepared for. So that’s where I am with all of this. Attempting to make it go away. The feeling. Not so easy though.

::Sigh::

Also…I hate secrets. And especially not telling her feels weird….because…I’m uniquely connected to her energy…and I don’t like hiding things from her.

Is that weird to…..idk what I was going to ask……

And the rest of what I was going to say….feels too intense to say….here….while I’m attempting to be anything but intense about this all.

::thinking::

damn….my brain….now it wants to work…but….

…Serge is trying to get my attention again……

………………….dfhwepjifdkfl…………………………………………………………………………………………………………jdifhihfiafidhfijfsvhwvisf………………………… <—- sorry 2 year old came back.

I’m getting playfully yelled at, lol. About something that happened earlier.

This very “interesting” girl tried to invite herself along for the night while I was walking. That’s what I get for getting off at 2nd ave instead of Astor Place. She was just trying to hit on me but literally followed me for blocks, trying to buy beer and come up with me to Serge’s. When I said no (after calling and letting her hear him say no too) she got really coo coo and moody. Totally pissed her off. It was the most random shit ever. She was almost my type. Ha. “Almost.” So I didn’t fucking care that she got pissy.

Anyways, Serge thought it was hilarious and currently has begun singing a silly song about it. It’s too vulgar to say all the words….but this bag I have….that’s not even gay….my laptop is in it, and it’s blue with yellow, orange, and green stripes on it….not a rainbow…but he’s convinced it was the culprit that turned on miss crazy.

My NOT gay bag!

So now this ridiculous song about pu**y, gay flags, and titties is being sung over and over by my wonderful insane friend. Oh god….there’s a dance too, he’s dancing and singing….omg I wish I had my video camera…..this is ridiculous….seriously…..ok….I’ve got to stop typing……need to join in….I can’t concentrate! 😛

4 responses to “gay flag

  1. This is great!

  2. Excuse me if this is out of line but you said you didn’t want a girlfriend on Formspring. Would you be with this girl if she felt the same?

    • Yes, you’re correct. I’ve said that plenty of times. I do feel that way. I haven’t wanted to be with anyone. But her….yes, I would make an exception. Though I don’t like admitting that. Can you email me after reading this reply…so I know you read it? I might delete it. Sorry.

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