secret keeper

What if somebody asked you to forget them? Maybe I’m the worst at jokes but I believe there’s some seriousness in every statement. No matter how lighthearted.

But then….what to do with that?

Thankfully I woke up today in a better place emotionally.

I might be cured.

Maybe.

Ok, not really.

At least enough to inject more poison that maybe just maybe might rid me of the rest of it all.

Seems some things want to be thrown out as bad as they might need removing.

“Why didn’t you tell her?”

Cuz it wouldn’t have changed anything.

“You would have let it out at least.”

I would have just felt awful for putting that on her. And why ruin nice normal situations by adding dramatic shit to the equation.

“She can handle it.”

I can’t.

And “it” will be gone soon. So there will be nothing to tell in time. I already felt much lighter today, even a little of yesterday. Or perhaps yesterday it was forced. But this morning I felt that glimmer of hope that I’d be able to enter 2011 with a clean slate and heart not holding on…to…. Not an easy feat. But now….

I see clearer. A little bit. Like this foggy window has a little peephole somebody wiped clean. So when I squint really hard and close one eye I can almost….see….through that little hole.

“Almost” being the keyword.

In order to free myself from these emotions…I did an exercise this morning. I made a list of all the traits I need to be fulfilled by someone, vs. the traits/things I find exciting and that turn me on. It’s tricky because some can be the same, and in some cases completely different. Like…

Well. I won’t go there. After all this is public. But it helped….and…

I’m not a stupid girl.

So why am I acting like one?

“You know enough to stop now.”

I know enough to feel like crap. But enough to separate it all.

I can’t understand how my brain won’t stop wanting something that does not want me back? Isn’t that just common sense? Oh look, that dog is growling and showing teeth, don’t fucking pet it.

Right?

“She’s not an animal.”

It’s a metaphor, damn lighten up.

I just mean, there are a million things/signals/signs saying “back the fuck up I’m not interested and if you get too close I’ll bite your fucking hand off.”

But still I was trying to pet this dog and cuddle with it.

“You lost me.”

Metaphor! Gosh.

I don’t mean any of it literally. Just the bigger picture. Yesterday helped. Today helped big time. Maybe I just need to keep thinking of the shit that hurts…and makes me sad. Anything to speed up this process. And maybe just maybe I can stop keeping all these secrets.

Can’t keep secrets when the secret doesn’t exist anymore.

2 responses to “secret keeper

  1. Are you giving up?

  2. How can I give up something that was never mine to begin with?

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