I have edits to finish. My desktop is turned on and files are open pleading to be worked on. Pixels are begging to be distorted.
My brain is distorted.
I’m distracting myself on my laptop.
A very close…but drifted friend died today. Well she didn’t “die” she….
::stares at computer screen::
She decided…to leave this world…for another.
A better one hopefully.
Because this one is shit.
My phone is buzzing. It’s always fucking buzzing.
I’m ALWAYS on my damn phone. I should try life outside of the digital world more often…
But it’s safe here….
Than out there.
I walk among zombies when I’m out there. Humans, so cocky and privileged yet dead to actual “living”. What is “living” anyways? Busting your ass at a job you hate so you can fork over thousands of dollars in order to have four walls surround you? A place to house foam and metal springs we lay our backs on every night? Is this cherished privilege any better than raising our hand up on a dirt road with belongings tucked into a single bag?
Are these people the crazy ones?
Is it crazy to want to make people smile…through imagery alone? To want to inspire strangers through alliteration? I do what I do because it feels like I’m meant…to.
Some days I want to throw everything away and be reborn…
Reborn into an entity who gives less of a damn…about giving a damn.
But that’s life. We come into this world with tiny feet smaller than my big toe….and we leave at…any given moment. In the blink of an eye we could be on the freeway at the wrong time….a truck can end over 30 years of togetherness and tear one’s loved one from life in front of their eyes….In the blink of an eye one’s mother could deteriorate from foreign matter inside their own body and lay lifeless, kept breathing by invasive tubes until inevitable decisions are made concrete. Who are you to play god!
Who is GOD anyways…?
Matter? An ideal? An example of the richeous way?
No no that’s Christ….
Uggghhh…what am I even taking about….I’m not religious.
Why did she have to…..?
Yesterday I celebrated my birth on this planet. Today I mourn.
It’s all relative. The grass is always greener outside of one’s self.
And when you, I, we wake up every morning we don’t always do so in the world we imagined we’d do so in. See, the idea of one’s “world” is an ever changing kaleidoscope of happenings…happenstance….and every second or every day this changes. Light and dark shine through at different angles creating new phases…new reflections….and we don’t always like what’s glaring through…
Somewhere along the way we smile because people expect it. We laugh because we’re supposed to. We keep secrets…because the truth…can be too real.
And god forbid we experience reality.
If this is reality I throw in the towel. I’m over it.
My phone is buzzing AGAIN!
Sad thing, it’s rarely who I want it to be. Who am I kidding…..rarely would be an overstatement. That’s what I get for getting wrapped up in a kid….who’s wrapped up in everything but…me.
F*ck. I coud die tomorrow and have kept this all inside. So what if it would make her uncomfortable. So what if I might look like a fool.
Roses fucking wilt….and some of us dig dried roses as much as fresh ones.
::stares at screen::
What am I even talking about. Selfishly I’ve, as usual, managed to turn this into a whine session about me.
I’ve gotta go and get off the fucking computer. And LIVE!
I could die tomorrow.