I have a tendency to fiddle with my phone while in the bath. Totally serious. For the first 10-15 minutes I keep my hands above water and either google, check style.com or ramble. Today(night) I felt like rambling so here I am…surrounded by bath bubbles and diligentally pressing the faux keys on my iPhone. Just had a spurt of words…sentences….thoughts invade my brain during my workout so I had to get some of them down before I forgot.
The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotion. Up and down, left and right, and in….between the lines. Never have I felt such a euphoric rush of inspiration as well as a looming cloud of insecurity at the same time.
In one moment I’m hyped, happy, ready to go. I’ve been sewing like mad woman. Making up for lost time I guess, the years I put the poor attention starved designer on the backburner…watching the photographer get all the light. So not fair of me. Well I’m spreading the love people! And the coming months will be proof of my fair and just divisions of…of umm well of me.
So anyhow, this amazing feeling has been coupled with this enveloping self doubt. Actually idk if “self doubt” is the appropriate phrase. Perhaps incessant questioning? Yes, maybe that better describes the other emotions. Something along the lines of, “why….but what….and why not….and when….and how long until….and what did I do…what did I do wrong?” Only I’ve been asking them to myself. God forbid I actually say that aloud. Scorpio rule number one: never let them see you sweat. Because then my friends…then they can break you. Then they can get inside that little black heart everyone thinks we have….and burst through…leaving the debris to build up, then explode and disintegrate into nothingness.
Why do you think we are control freaks? For the hell of it? Ha, no. When you are in control of the wheel you can decide to veer off the road before a crash. When you’re not…well…
And you might be on the passenger side…
I don’t like to ride shotgun. I much prefer calling the shots. Most of the time anyways. At least I’ll let you think that.
It’s too dangerous otherwise.
I learned the hard way. I learned never…give up too much…give too much of you…because that’s when they attack…and you’re left defenseless and then alone.
Yeah, fuck all that defenseless shit.
I’m armed and ready for armageddon this time around.
But that’s only a small miniscule piece of me on the larger scope of my present tense. I went to a screening the other night of a movie I’d been wanting to see but never got around to doing so. “The September Issue” which came out last year. It was a really cool question and answer with the director afterwards. About 30 min into the documentary my eyes started to well up. I was so completely overwhelmed with appreciation for my industry. It was such a strange and comforting feeling wrapped into one. It was a very inspirational film to say the least. On a sidenote, somewhere in the middle of it I leaned over to my friend and said, “Anna Wintour has got to be a Scorpio” and she nodded agreeing partially and also just wanting me to shut up. So randomly today I googled Anna’s birthday and lo and behold, it is Nov 3rd. Of course! Mine is the 7th. I recognize my own kind.
I think it was a statement along the lines of “notoriously controlling” that might of made me wonder. That, or the iron fist…both I’ve grown accustomed to seeing in my own reflection.
Makes me think of that on another level. I’m starting to really like her again.
My reflection that is. It’s nice to catch up with old friends.
I missed her while she was away…
Where did all the bubbles go?