Model: Heidi Kor

www.taschkaturnquist.com

www.jasonthielke.com
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In the Q Candy II section on my site www.taschkaturnquist.com

She asked me if I “was ok?” initially…and that’s a loaded question. But my answer was yes, and I meant it.

How and why I’m ok…considering I had one of the most emotional freak outs ever just a few nights ago…is beyond me. I guess in a sense I was “ok” then too…just overwhelmed with anger and sadness. But now that most of that has filtered out I’m left with more of what “reality” actually is. Something was said to me…that night…or the next morning…by this person I’ve been wrapped up in…they said while I was in tears and explaining how I felt like their behavior made it as though they didn’t care…

“I’m tired of trying to convince you.“

Katherine Heigl and Rachel McAdams surely don’t have to hear that shit.

It stung when they said it…but it resonated with me. And I keep replaying it in my head over and over. I think what it comes down to is no matter how much you may still love someone, or they claim to love you. Actions speak. We say this over and over in life but it’s so true. Not just actions while involved with someone, but how you treat them even after you’ve come to a conclusion.

“Handle with care,” should be my next tattoo. Hmmm…..sidenote….kind of need that asap. :O

Anyhow…the point of this all over the place ramble is once we come to a resolution of what we don’t want…it’s a lot easier to overlook what we did want. There will be points in life we all forget our worth…emotions can be intoxicating and blind you from actual truth. The truth is, whether it be now or later, I want to be loved by those who never get sick of proving it.

…by friends lovers, and the like…

Isn’t that what we all deserve?

Those are the people I sweat blood and tears for. The rest…are just acquaintances.

I lost my balance for a little while there…trying too hard to force an outcome that didn’t work for me emotionally. Now that I’m a few steps back, standing on two feet…I can see…all the holes my heart neglected to reveal.

Life is too short to expel energy over those that are not worth it. No amount of change, or convincing can alter the state of what is fact. And fact is…life…just happens. You are not tied or promised to any one person, place, or thing. The people in your life are there because they want to be…and the world…

just keeps spinning around you.

Radiohead – “Everything In Its Right Place“

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I’m searching for answers.

You’re searching for answers…

When the answer has been here all along.

Where there is an I, there is no you.

There has never been an us…except in our imagination.

For in our imagination nothing can touch us.

But it did…

And us disintegrated

into a thousand little pieces…

that are currently in the wind.

I can hear it.

It can hear me…listening.

But the wind never speaks back.

Like us…

It will remain forever and ever tangled in the complexity of

what ifs…

What if,

…we ached for it

…we cried out for it

…we stood up for it

What if,

…we fought for it

But instead we buried it.

And never looked back.

Funny thing about looking back…

Moving forward hurts just as much.

Especially

when you can hear the tears in the wind.

http://drawr.net/arwennnn

I was given an ultimatum today/night…last night whatever. It felt fucking surreal. Like I was staring down the barrel faced with a choice I myself didn’t even fully comprehend. The thought of losing out on something seemingly good for me…or something I’m so…in……..

…words can’t even explain…

I don’t know what or how this is fair. I’m not in a place that this makes sense. Why am I whining here…vaguely as usual.

My heart hurts…faced with the confusion of this task. Not to mention I’m SICK uggggh. Maybe I can look at it like a homework assignment…which means being sick lets me off the hook! No? Maybe? Kinda sorta not really.

Life. Man o man.

I’ll just stay in bed until this all makes sense again.

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